Why Are Online Meetings So Draining?

I’ve got a boundary for you—meetings. Not just regular let’s-sit-down-and-plan-something meetings, but online meetings. Why? Because I think they feel very different to each person.

Over the last several months, I’ve heard different people talk about how zapped they feel after Zoom meetings. To be honest, I’ve been feeling the same way. And it has really surprised me. I’d always assumed meeting on screen would be less energetically taxing than meeting IRL. Not sure why I assumed that. Let’s break it down a bit.

First, full disclosure: I am an Extrovert. Maybe not quite as big an “E” as I once was (which was 10/10), but I still solidly gain energy when I’m with people—especially peeps I enjoy. So this perspective may not be exactly you, but stay with me. I think there’s something here for all of us.

In-person meetings: You get up, get ready for work. Get dressed up (maybe just with your favorite vintage t), go to a neutral space (the office), grab your notes, coffee, water bottle, laptop, sticky notes, permanent markers, etc. Then you head into a room where other people are prepared, much like you, and you take a seat at the table.

Online meetings: You wake up and throw on your comfiest sweats. You’ve had breakfast, done some laundry, called your mechanic, and glanced at your most pressing emails. When the meeting time draws near, you grab your tea, throw on a Zoom shirt, check your hair, and open the meeting link.

Here’s where I think I was mistaken: I believed that because I was in my own office, in my own home, with nobody else in the room, that meant no one else would be draining my energy. (As opposed to in the conference room, with 12 other people.)

I’ve heard more than one person describe it this way: “When you’re online with someone, you are actually in the energy of all the other people they’ve been online with—and in a group, that can add up fast.”

I don’t know if that’s literally what’s happening, but as I think about it, that’s what it feels like—being in a room with dozens (or hundreds) of people just hanging around. I didn’t prepare for that. I just felt like my tiny little rectangle was largely unnoticed and fairly innocuous.

I now wonder if the opposite is true. When I physically and mentally prepare myself to show up in a place where there are other people, my boundaries are a little more set, a little more firm. Maybe even a little more healthy.

Maybe I’ve been showing up all these years to online meetings with holes in my energetic boundaries! I sometimes leave meetings, even meetings when I’ve spent a productive time with lovely people, exhausted and a little dazed. I’ve been wondering what is going on here? This is making more and more sense as I write.

So, what do we do about this? (Because I don’t think online connection is going away any time soon. Plus, I don’t want to give up my day slippers.)

Well, I usually start with awareness. Are there certain online groups that zap my energy? If so…why? Would it help me to be more intentional about how I prepare for online meetings? Do I overgive in these groups because it feels like my outgoing energy is being funneled through that tiny rectangle, and I want to make sure everyone else has a positive experience? (Oh yeah, that one hits home.)

Maybe the boundary isn’t just about protecting myself from all the energy coming through that tiny rectangle. Maybe it’s also about noticing how much of my energy I’m sending back through it.

Am I listening? Or working really hard to show that I’m listening?

Am I participating? Or making sure everyone else is comfortable?

Am I simply showing up? Or am I overgiving without even realizing it?

Huh.

Maybe online meetings aren’t inherently more draining. Maybe I’ve just been showing up to them differently—less prepared, less intentional, and with boundaries that are a little more wobbly than I realized.

Apparently, my Zoom shirt may not be the only thing I need to put on before an online meeting.

Keep showing up as you! Online and IRL.