How Boundaries Give You Permission to Say No

I know I talk a lot about boundaries in this space (and could go on for days and days. I try to restrain myself a bit.)

But I want to make sure you don’t feel like I’m just telling you to “say no” or “stand up for yourself” or “be stronger” or anything along those lines.

What I dearly hope you’re gleaning from these messages is this:

Boundaries give you choice.

And if I back that up a bit? Boundaries give you permission. And permission gives you choice.

What do I mean by this?

You say, “Sure, I can bring something,” before remembering you have to shop for it, make it, pack it up, and get everyone out the door on time. Now you’re annoyed about the thing you volunteered to do.

Someone asks if they can “pick your brain for a few minutes.” You have the few minutes. What you don’t have is the energy to spend the rest of the afternoon untangling their problem.

Your phone lights up while you’re finally doing something you enjoy. You answer because it’s your mom, your friend, your grown child—someone you love. Afterward, you can’t quite get back to what you were doing.

You say, “No problem!” when it is a problem. Maybe not a huge one. Just enough of a problem that you’re still thinking about it while brushing your teeth later that night.

In each of those moments, you could say yes. But did it feel like you were allowed to say no?

Because if no doesn’t feel allowed, yes can feel like the only option—even when nobody is forcing you. And a yes that doesn’t feel like a choice can get heavy pretty fast.

When you give yourself permission not to bring the dish, not to pick up the phone right then, or not to say yes just to make someone else’s life easier, you might find that you actually want to say yes. And sometimes, no feels easier, too. Not necessarily guilt-free, but more like a choice you’re allowed to make.

So if you’re asked for something and you feel that automatic yes coming on, you can always say, “Let me get back to you.” Give yourself a little room to remember that no is an option. And ask yourself what you actually want to say.

I’m not here to help you say no more.

I’m here to help you have a choice—so that if and when you do say yes, it actually feels like yours. 💙

Photo by Syd TRGT on Pexels