Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Really Want to Say No

Have you ever thought, “I feel like I’m always looking out for everyone else, and everyone else is taking care of themselves?” Or maybe you noticed you were putting yourself last and then hoped someone noticed and appreciated it?

Yeah, same. And while I recognize that this is all just my own stuff showing up for me to get curious about, I also want to help us both unpack this a bit.

Over the last few decades, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I help out, I take care of things for people, I assist, I give willingly and happily, for weeks, even months, and then…… I feel a little more stressed. A little more overwhelmed. And a little more burdened.

Next comes irritation. I feel a little more put-upon. And then resentment builds. Until I lose it. Full-on. Sometimes at others. (Nope, that isn’t fair.) Usually in a room by myself. And I think, “THAT’S IT! NO MORE!”

I check my priorities. I feel my feelings. I try to figure out what the heck is going on underneath. I reset my boundaries. And away I go again.

As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to recognize all this sooner. I progress through it more quickly and easily. You might think I’d have erased this pattern by now. I’d have thought so, too. I mean, these are the kinds of boundaries I actually help other people with. 🤦‍♀️ Alas, no. Here I am, still human, doing the human things.

So, what’s really going on? I think my weakest boundaries are the ones I have with myself. (I thought that seemed weird the first time I heard it, too.) Here’s why I think this:

· Other people aren’t pressuring me to do things for them.

· Often, no one is even asking me to help out.

· The world will go on turning even if I don’t get my fingers in every pie.

· I’m the one choosing to do all of this! That’s the most annoying part.

Next question: Why am I doing this to myself, time after time?

· I genuinely like to be helpful. (You can read more about that here.)

· I think others have come to expect it, at least to a point. (Understandably.)

· I don’t want to disappoint people. (Gasp! What would they think of me?)

· It feels uncomfortable to say “no.”

· I don’t like to see other people struggle (even if the struggle is just in my own mind).

Are these valid reasons? Yeah, I think so. Are they worth my energy, health, or sanity? No, they’re not.

For me, and a lot of others, it comes down to feeling safe. Not like, I’m in danger if I don’t help someone. More like, my system doesn’t feel safe if I say “no.”

It goes way back to those ancient ancestors again. Belonging to the tribe was crucial. Being rejected or cast out could have dire consequences. Alarming, right?

Even when we know we’re safe, our nervous systems might not feel that way. So it doesn’t feel safe to say no, or to do what we’d really like to do, like read a book on the couch instead of helping your cousin feed everyone at her husband’s family reunion.

Alright then, what can we do about this?

Go deeper. Ask yourself,

1. What is actually making me feel uncomfortable here?

2. Is there any validity to it, or am I just picking up on ancient stuff?

3. Does thinking about saying yes make my body feel heavy or light?

Bottom line, if it feels light, go for it! If it feels heavy, get curious before you automatically agree. Your body might be trying to tell you something.

Before you decide, try this:

· Take three breaths that are a little slower and deeper than usual.

· Close your eyes and feel yourself really connected to the earth.

· Imagine a golden light, 1000 feet above you, coming down through the top of your head and filling your body and the space around you.

· Picture that light surrounding you in a safe bubble that’s all your own.

· Now picture yourself saying “no” to the thing, and see how that registers in your system.

It still might feel uncomfortable to say no to someone. A boundary can feel sticky and still be right for you. But if you feel centered and safe, the discomfort can be there without making the decision for you. And you still get the entire evening to do what you really want to do.

I’ll be practicing with you! We can do this. Keep shining.